Obscure Study Explains Magic Hawaiian Orgasm Mushroom
Two recommendations for caution right off the bat. First off, kids, how’s about you click yourselves away from this article and work on your sales pitch to procure a glow-in-the-dark handmade pine bed, a matched Iron Man helmet fridge and cookie jar set, or even a USB-powered musical Tesla coil? You get a puny window to be a kid. You’ll have decades to catch up on human, now.
OK, now that this is no longer an all-ages show, a warning for the men-folk – two, actually: one, this fascinating bright-orange mushroom’s aromatic fumes ignite supernova orgasms in women, but seem to frequently repulse men. Two, on a related note, bury your hangups about what brings her to blast-off 12 feet deep, already. Within reason, what’s so consequential about HOW she gets there? If experiencing something with you is making her THAT happy, rest assured, she will make your lifetime with every second that follows.
Somehow, this incredible International Journal of Medicinal Mushrooms (yep, that exists) study has remained an obscure footnote since 2001, despite obvious brain-shattering value to horny adults everywhere. Less than a full page in length, it details the species Dictyophora, which apparently grows on 600 to 10,000-year-old lava flows. If you think this sounds like the single greatest World of Warcraft fetch-quest ever, then get ready for us to really make your lady’s loot drop.
This bright-orange fungus gets its name from the ancient Greek words diktyon (“net”) and pherō (“to bear”) as descriptors of the way its conical cap’s lace-like “skirt” lining gives it a resemblance to long net stinkhorns. Aside from being quite lovely to look at, a small-scale test of male and female volunteers who breathed in its “hormone-like compounds” released in its fumes lit up spontaneous orgasms in almost half the ladies. Additional research supposes that the mushroom exudes substances that strongly resemble the neurotransmitters humans release during sexual activity.
Unfortunately, the researchers couldn’t be arsed to include actual photos of Princess Peach’s new favorite magic mushroom. However, for those now feverishly planning expeditions to explore Hawaiian volcanoes, here’s a little hint: those who haven’t encountered this little volcanic miracle first-hand suppose that its lace net and coloration may resemble the stinkhorn fungus Phallus multicolor. Google, ho!