When we begin a relationship, we try to be the best version of ourselves. We’re always clean, always shaven and never discuss anything that doesn’t work to enhance the dynamic and cultivate closeness: family, lifelong goals, deepest secrets or what we did during the day.
Nothing creates intimacy, however, like an accidental fart or a severely unshaven vagina.
Nothing makes you realize how much you love your boyfriend or girlfriend than when their gross morning breath somehow isn’t that gross, or when weight gain in particularly unattractive places doesn’t make you cringe.
We’re all human, and we can’t sustain this level of perfection that we all strive to attain in the beginning of our relationships. Eventually, the stuff we worked so hard to keep hidden comes out — literally.
Here’s how you know the love is real.
1. There’s no demanding need to shave.
The beauty of a comfortable relationship is that you only need to shave if you want to. There’s no longer that weird pressure to do so to impress someone.
Sure, lots of us shave for ourselves and not for the pleasure of a man, but long winter months make even the most uptight of ladies lazy.
The last thing any girl wants to do in the winter is spend time in the shower shaving off the scruff keeping her legs and ladybits warm; it just gives the bottom half of her body even more goosebumps on the walk out of the shower.
I mean, is there anything worse than having to emerge from the coziness of a steaming shower when it’s 30 degrees outside? Don’t make it worse by forcing her to remove her natural blanket.
Also, any boyfriend would be a total jerk if he dumped his girlfriend just because she didn’t shave for a month. What if she was just prepping the area for the landing strip she’s crafting for you for your birthday? You’d never know.
2. You fart in front of each other.
Surprise! With a booty comes a bootyhole.
Girls especially like to pretend they don’t fart. They probably spend the first six-to-18 months of a relationship convincing their boyfriends that the only holes they have are their mouths and ladybits.
But one night, you will take her to get Mexican food for your anniversary, you will be having sex and press on her stomach weirdly, or she will be unsuccessful in yet another attempt at trying to hide and blame you for one of the many SBDs she does in front of you — and the inevitable will occur.
Just laugh, OK? There’s no turning back now. You both fart.
3. Poop is discussed in any capacity.
Nobody likes talking about pooping. That kind of talk is reserved for your health-conscious mother when she asks if you’re eating enough fiber, with your doctor at a check-up, and with your closest friends during chats about everyone’s varying levels of constipation.
A new milestone in any relationship is reached when someone mentions his or her bowels, so you know you’ve hit peak comfort level with your boyfriend when you can discuss how much you have to sh*t.
This, along with number 2, is another reminder that girls are human. The guy who wrote that “Everyone Poops” book is a damn genius.
4. Period talk, especially the non-judgmental kind, is acceptable.
Sometimes, it’s necessary.
A girl suffers more than just the obvious bleeding for five days straight when she gets her period. She may become more irritable, impatient, emotional and in need of random foods.
Maybe she doesn’t feel like having sex with you, or maybe her sex drive is out of control. Maybe she looks a little bloated in her crop top. Maybe, mid-hookup, it comes out. In all of these cases, period talk will happen.
A good relationship knows the two key components of acceptable period talk: what kind (if it involves the prospect of period sex or a need for complaining) and when to do it (only if she brings it up — which means never, ever, ask “Jesus, are you on your period?” after a heated conversation).
If conversations about periods occur without your boyfriend wanting to jump off a cliff, consider your relationship golden.
5. You pee with the door open.
If you’re in the middle of a crucial conversation, why end it just because one of you has to pee? Just leave the door open a crack, continue with that thought and let it out. Or, if you’re getting ready to go in the shower together, just sit on the toilet and go.
Before the first time this happens, you’ll probably ask if you could, and your partner will probably give you a nervous, hasty, “Uh, yeah, that’s fine.”
But soon, it won’t matter, and you’ll both get used to the sound.
6. You let him pee in the shower when you shower together.
Girls find the phenomenon of “peeing while standing” incredibly foreign and strange, and they like to keep the idea of showering with you as sexy as possible. Considering these two major thought processes, if she lets you pee in the shower while she’s in it with you, it’s a pretty big deal.
Of course, you’d better turn the f*ck around and make sure she doesn’t actually see anything. Also, for the love of God, make sure it goes in the direction of the drain.
7. Morning breath doesn’t gross you out.
I find it interesting how often people avoid discussing the unsexy parts of a post-hookup sleepover: the smudged makeup that reveals nasty blemishes, the obnoxious snoring, how impossible it is to actually fall asleep and stay asleep, the eye crusties and the morning breath.
Oh, that morning breath.
After a sufficient amount of sleepovers with your significant other, you’ve definitely caught a whiff of their rancid halitosis.
Those luxurious early hours of pre-teeth-brushing morning sex will inevitably begin with traces of putrid breath, especially if your partner is someone who still wears a retainer to sleep.
Soon, however, either you will get used to said morning breath (after all, morning sex involves making out and swapping your morning breath with your partner’s) or you’ll be able to ignore it. Either way, power to you and your relationship.
8. A new hobby involves popping pimples and blackheads.
Girls receive a sick pleasure out of popping pimples and blackheads. They love any kind of beauty routine that promises cleanliness and purity, even if the process is painful.
The ordeal involves washing their face thoroughly, pressing a hot wash cloth onto the face to open pores, and grabbing the nearest silver popping tool. Then, the squeezing begins.
It’s the best.
This kind of event is enjoyable for girls because it is their face, and because all dirt and gunk and whatnot that emerges is from their own bodies.
However, if your girlfriend offers to pop your pimples — that is, willingly come face-to-face with your dirt and gunk — take it as a sign that she finds even the grossest parts of you appealing and worthy of your touch. That’s huge.
9. Sicknesses don’t make kissing off-limits.
He’s oozing boogers. She’s got crusty Pink Eye. You hear the phlegm in his lungs when he coughs. She just puked. But nothing stops you from being with your partner and wanting to take care of him/her — and maybe even get physical.
Sick significant others will likely say things like, “No, I look really gross, stop,” or “There is no way I look cute right now,” to try to prevent you from seeing them (or to guilt you into disagreeing with their self-deprecations and bringing them soup), but you will dispute them.
Even with snot seeping from her nose and dark circles under his eyes, your boyfriend or girlfriend is just as appealing as he or she is in black tie attire.
At least, that’s what you’d better say.
10. Weight gain isn’t a big deal.
In this media-driven, image-obsessed world, we all strive to have the best bodies. Men stuff their faces with protein, women eat carrots, and everyone kills themselves at the gym.
These strategies are effective for the beginning of a relationship, but once you’re deep in one, laziness inevitably sets in.
When you’re in a relationship, you may notice changes in your significant other’s body overtime.
Maybe your arm sits differently on their waist, maybe you notice a pooch forming when you’re naked, or maybe you find you need to buy a bigger sized shirt than last year for this year’s Christmas present.
But weight doesn’t matter. You still remember them exactly how they were when you first met, and you still love them with the extra pounds.
11. Despite all of this, you actually still find your significant other sexy.
This is not a matter of simply tolerating these gross things; it’s a matter of still thinking your partner is incredibly hot regardless of them.
The poops, the weight, the sicknesses, the pimples — nothing can stop your heart from beating and your sexual drive from climbing.
Ten minutes ago, your boyfriend literally Dutch-ovened you with his farts, and now your bra is off and you’re ready to pounce him. How is this possible?
This truly must be what love is.